Ang hiraaaaaaaaaappppppppp!!!
Miss na miss na kita shels.
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Archive for Uncategorized
Starting today…
I will try my best to be okay, while simultaneously going through all the negative feelings, emotions, pain that the ordeal has left me.
I will do away with self-love.
Lord, please give me the capacity to love you more and more, overflowing to the others.
Our Lady’s Birthday
One of my favorite feast days–the birthday of Our Lady. I am planning to do a pilgrimage later, I just don’t know how, because I have always done it with Shels. I hope I can invite someone to join me later.
Chris and I went to Trinoma for dinner. I’m glad I gave in, even be to I was feeling really lazy. I think I’m going be okay already. I just realized that my strength is based on the premise that I will share this strength with other people who need it more. For when I stopped doing this and start thinking only of myself, that’s when I start to feel nothing. To actually not want to do anything.
So there, I’m starting over. I need to get back on my knee soon.
My PhD scholarship
I got an update from the scholarships office today. I do hope to get positive results from Australia.
I remembered my 2nd to last text to Shels: “Sure, I’ll pray for you. But take advantage of the seminar and have some rest also. Mas recollected ka jan so pag-pray mo din ung intention ko. Alam mo na yun.”
And indeed she is now resting (the best resting place) and is in the perfect disposition to pray–face to face with God. I am consoled by the fact that she’ll surely pray and intercede for me, especially that intention of mine. But most of all she knows what I really need: strength to accept God’s will even if I really want something else.
So Shels, alam mo na un.
Hello new world!
Oh wow, i am actually creating a new blog. The idea came to my mind at a very opportune time, when I felt like I couldn’t talk to anybody, even to my closest friends. Because sharing my pain would only be adding to the pain that they are already having. And I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to plant seeds that will more or less produce rotten fruits. I want to look strong so that they too will be strong. I want to plant good seeds. I hope.
My bestfriend died six (6) days ago in an accident.
I was shocked. Then I was numb. Then I feigned strength and courage because her family clearly needs it. And I felt like I have to set a good example to our other friends. I was successful. Well, most of the time–when people are around. Sometimes, I want to be alone, so that I can be sad and weak. But it is difficult to be alone. I’m afraid that I might not be able come back to my old self. I’m only human after all. I want to cry out. But I don’t want them to hear. So instead I pour out my heart in written words, praying that somehow this would transfer the pain into a void, like the cyberspace perhaps.
How I wish it was you I was talking to right now, Shels. For we often do this, analyzing problems and situations at different angles, seeing the good and the bad. We do this even if we already knew the answers (in words and in principle) but still talk about everything so that somehow it is put into “recording” that it has been thoroughly discussed. But now, I would have to do things differently. I know that I will still have our close friends, and of course my spiritual director. But without you, it goes without saying that it will be different. I just have to get used to it.
It is sad that the first thing that I will have to sort out without my bestfriend, is exactly that–a life without her. I know that it can be done for sure. I just don’t know when. Soon, I hope.
And also just for the record, I know that Shels is surely in God’s presence now, and that she is happy, because she is embraced by Happiness and Love itself. And I’m happy for her, for she is as she “ought to be” already. I’s just sad for purely selfish reasons. I am sad for myself because I miss her so much. And everything around me reminds me of her. Like how can I do the things that we usually do together without remembering her?
So what else can I say? Hello world! Please take away my anguish. I don’t want it.
